


Undisclosed Desires

by kuroasuga



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, BDSM, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Drug Use, M/M, Masochism, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Obsession, Sadism, Self-Harm, Smut, Tattoos, Tongue Piercings, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25072852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroasuga/pseuds/kuroasuga
Summary: -But there was something about Yuta that he couldn’t explain, something that both terrified him and excited him.His skin still pricked where Yuta had touched his face; it was electric and Jaehyun didn’t know how to take that.-Or: Twenty three year old Jaehyun is bored with life. He’d fallen into a routine until he meets a body modification artist named Yuta and is forced into a world of hedonism that he wasn’t prepared for.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 13
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve already mentioned this in the tags but i’ll mention again, TW for this fic throughout: 
> 
> Heavy Sadist/Masochist  
> Talk of suicide  
> Self harm  
> Drug use  
> Alcoholism  
> Unhealthy Relationships
> 
> This fic is inspired by Japanese movie Snakes and Earrings 💚

Jaehyun was bored.

His life was the same, day in, day out. He craved excitement, for something to happen outside of his norm. 

He begged the universe for something to happen to him, good or bad, as long as it tampered with this uneventful life of his.

His job didn’t appreciate him either, he could never do anything right. The only good thing in his life was his best friend Taeyong, who he only saw when he wasn’t too busy fucking someone he’d met online. 

Sometimes Jaehyun felt guilty because his life could be worse, but feeling unimpressed with everything had it’s limit. 

He was so bored he could die. 

oOo

Jaehyun pointed towards the centre of his tongue as the liquor in his system distributed evenly. He scooted closer to Taeyong, who squinted at the restless muscle. 

“I’m gonna get a tongue piercing.” He declared. 

Taeyong scoffed. He drew his legs closer and wrapped his arms around them. It was late into the night and they had both found themselves sitting on a curb in an attempt to use the crisp night air to sober up. Neither of them had dressed appropriately for the early morning chill.

“Twenty bucks says you won’t.” Taeyong replied and lit a cigarette. 

He exhales a grey cloud into Jaehyun’s face and chuckles at his friends exaggerated cough.

“I swear I’m gonna do this. I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, plus I like yours.”

Taeyong shrugs and rubs his legs to get the blood flowing through them. 

He handed the cigarette to Jaehyun, who takes it with a “thank you”. 

“So, when do you plan to do this?” Jaehyun tilts his head up to the sky in thought as his lips purse around the tip of the stick nestled between his fingers.

“As soon as possible. I would go right now if there was a place open.” 

People stared at them as they walked past, taking in their revealing outfits that left little to the imagination. Jaehyun thought that he looked fine in his oversized long sleeve shirt and skinny jeans with more rips than jean, but Taeyong had opted on wearing black shorts with multiple chains on the side and a baggy shirt that read “sexual fantasies” on the front with several rings and necklaces. He could understand the stares, but they could have looked worse.

Taeyong shakes a flask in Jaehyun’s face and they exchange goods. Realistically they’ve both had enough to drink, but Jaehyun has a lot to forget tonight. 

“I know a guy.” Taeyong declares, and Jaehyun turned to look at his friend.

“It’s the same person who did my other piercings. He doesn’t talk much, and he always has a frown on his face, but he’s kinda hot in a mysterious way.” 

Taeyong stubbed the burnt-out cigarette in a drain and blew out the last of the smoke in his lungs. 

“His store should still be open, wanna go see?” 

Jaehyun is convinced and the realisation is settling into his stomach. This would be his first piercing. 

Taeyong laced their fingers together once he stood up, metal jingling from his every move, and dragged Jaehyun down the street, under the luminous lights that helped pave their way to their next destination. 

oOo

They ended up in front of a door clad with barbed wire with a sign that read; “No appointment, no service.” 

Taeyong hammered on the door, loud enough to wake up anybody sleeping within the same radius as them and Jaehyun looked around nervously. 

“Yuta! Open up!” Taeyong called out, hand slamming against the metal. 

“I have a client for you.” 

The door swung open and both males stepped back in surprise.

A young man with neon red hair stood before them in gothic attire and a cocked brow. There was a light frown on his face like Taeyong had mentioned, but it didn’t distract Jaehyun from the fact he was indeed handsome. He could feel his face heating up the longer he stared and thought it would be best to look away in case he got the wrong idea. 

“Taeyong.” The man began and folded his arms. “It’s been a while; I see you’re still dressed like a whore.” 

Taeyong laughed and tapped the man on his chest. “Just a slut, whores get paid.” He replied and pulled Jaehyun in closer. 

“This is my friend Jaehyun, he wants a tongue piercing. Are you busy? Can you do it?” 

Yuta’s eyes scanned Jaehyun from head to toe. His expression was neutral, yet it made Jaehyun uncomfortable. 

Yuta took a step to the side and gestured for them both to enter. Taeyong practically ran into the shop, heading for the jewellery counter at the front and mumbling which ones he wanted to himself.

Jaehyun walked in slowly, he’d never been inside a piercing shop before, so this was an entirely new world for him. Floral scents danced around his nostrils as incense burned from different corners of the room, with skulls acting as hangers for jewellery displayed in cabinets all-round the shop.  
Jaehyun felt as if he was in a different dimension. 

Yuta walked behind the counter where he placed a book on the display case with a thud and took a seat.

“What kind of jewellery do you want for the piercing?” He yelled, successfully interrupting Jaehyun from his dream state.

He hurried over to the owner and looked through the book with shaky hands. 

“I- umm… I don’t know anything about this stuff.” He said and cursed himself for sounding so uncool. 

Yuta smirked and stood from his chair. He leaned forward and brushed a piece of hair away from Jaehyun’s face. Blood rushed towards Jaehyun’s cheeks, heating up the skin and embarrassing him further.

“Cute.” Yuta mumbled and traced his thumb across Jaehyun’s plump lips. 

“Open your mouth, I need to see what I’m working with.” 

Jaehyun did what he was told, too much in a trance by the way Yuta was admiring his lips and stuck his tongue out. 

“How old are you?” Yuta asked, eyes still glued onto Jaehyun’s moist muscle.

“Twenty-three.” He replied with a small lisp.

Yuta smirked and sat back in his chair. 

“Twenty-three and a piercing virgin… I take it you don’t have any tattoos either?” 

Jaehyun shook his head and it earned a coo from Taeyong.

“Jaehyun’s always been a good kid, he’s never done anything wrong... his skin is a blank canvas, just begging to be marked.” 

Jaehyun locked eyes with Yuta and watched him poke his tongue out to lick his lips. 

“Come back tomorrow, I’ll do it then. And give me your number so I can text you what time to come.”

Taeyong patted Jaehyun on the back excitedly and he responded with a smile.

But there was something about Yuta that he couldn’t explain, something that both terrified him and excited him. 

His skin still pricked where Yuta had touched his face; it was electric and Jaehyun didn’t know how to take that.  
“Make sure you drink plenty of water tonight and eat something tomorrow, I don’t need you fainting on me.” Yuta commented and slid a pen towards Jaehyun. 

“Your number, if you please.” Jaehyun hurriedly scribbled down some numbers and handed the paper back to Yuta. 

“And come alone, I don’t need Taeyong stinking up my shop and distracting me.” 

Taeyong flipped the shop keeper off but Jaehyun nodded. Yuta’s palm flattened against his cheek once again and Jaehyun sighed as he automatically leaned into his touch. 

None of them said a word and Yuta’s hand flexed against his cheek before pulling away and waving his hand towards the door.

Jaehyun backed towards the door, following Taeyong’s voice outside the shop as Yuta’s menacing smile danced upon his lips once again, engraving itself into Jaehyun’s memories.


	2. Chapter 2

Tomorrow came quicker than Jaehyun had hoped and as he laid in Taeyong’s bed replaying the events of the night before, Yuta swirled in his mind. 

There was something about him that sent chills down his spine; the way he looked at him with darkened eyes, like he wanted to devour him whole made his brain short circuit. 

His phone vibrated next to his head, alerting that he had a message, and when he opened it, he saw that it was from Yuta, like the man knew Jaehyun was thinking about him. 

“Come to the shop at six pm.” The text read, with no room to argue.

The finality of it caused a tingle in Jaehyun’s gut. It had been a long time since he’d gotten laid, nine months to be exact, and he considered the possibility that his body and mind was acting like this purely because of this fact. 

Either way, he needed to be rid of these thoughts before show time. 

Taeyong cooked him breakfast in bed and told him about a guy he’d been talking to over one of the many dating apps that were installed on his phone. Sometimes Jaehyun envied Taeyong’s freedom. His ability to hook up with anyone and feel nothing the next day was a curse and a blessing to him. It was educational to say the least and Jaehyun looked forward to hearing who the current sucker was. 

They messed around in Taeyong’s apartment and before Jaehyun knew it, it was five pm.

“It won’t even hurt I promise, the soreness hurts more than the actual piercing.” Taeyong straightened the coat that hung around Jaehyun’s shoulders; it was his anyway seeing as Jaehyun had no clean clothes at his friends’ place.  
Taeyong kissed his cheek before he left and told him to come back when it was all over so he could help with the aftercare and with that, Jaehyun ventured outside into the unknown to get the first of many scars that he’ll carry forever.

oOo

When Jaehyun arrived at the shop he saw Yuta standing outside smoking. His wavy hair shone in the evening sun, the pink of the sky deepening the colour.

Huffs of grey left through Yuta’s nose, while the remaining smoke escaped from between his lips. Jaehyun watched him in awe as his ring heavy fingers twisted the stick between them. 

“You’re early.” Yuta voiced, making Jaehyun jump from his position behind a wall. 

He itched the back of his neck sheepishly and laughed. “I don’t trust public transport.” 

Yuta made a noise that Jaehyun couldn’t decipher and saw him take another drag. 

“The doors open.” It took a few seconds for the words to reach Jaehyun’s brain, too focused on the way Yuta’s tongue peeked out slightly every time he brought the filter to his lips, but when it did, he lowered his head and entered the building.

He was back in this wonderland full of every kind of jewellery he could think of. He hadn’t noticed last time, but the walls were littered with various pictures of artwork and piercings done on other bodies. 

Jaehyun stood by the glass counter and examined a picture of a pair of breasts of which each nipple had a silver hoop through them. He instinctively touched his chest while looking at the way the metal went through one side and out the other. 

“Do you want your nipples pierced instead?” A low voice muttered by his ear. 

Jaehyun turned on the spot, heart beating fast in his chest. Yuta stood in front of him smirking again and caged him in between the counter where Jaehyun had no escape. 

“Because it’s not a problem for me.” 

Jaehyun gulped when Yuta stepped closer and rested a hand behind him and on to the glass. Yuta’s eyes trained over him, silently undressing him and Jaehyun’s fingers twitched as he willed the urge to drag him closer away. 

“Did you do all of these?” he asked and looked towards the wall. 

Yuta raised his brows. “Impressed?” he asked.

“Very.” Jaehyun replied.

He looked down towards Yuta’s lips, accidentally licking his own slowly and inhaled a breath.

“At least I know you’re professional.” 

Yuta’s breath wafted over Jaehyun’s face when he laughed and Jaehyun smelt the stale smoke from earlier. 

“Take off Taeyong’s jacket and follow me.” His arm slipped from around Jaehyun and lazily walked to the back of the store and Jaehyun pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration before doing what he was told. 

Where Yuta led him was completely different from the front of the shop. This part of the building was more clinical, eerie, private.

Packaged needles and bandages piled up in bulk in clear drawers and tattoo equipment hung in the corner, covered in antibacterial covering. 

More photos hung on the walls, but this time it was of tattoos; beautiful artwork of all kinds of designs.

“These are amazing.” Jaehyun commented.

“I couldn’t imagine myself being a tattoo artist let alone being an artist at all.”

Yuta patted a solo black chair in the middle of the room and Jaehyun sat on it. “Lay back.” Jaehyun followed Yuta’s direction and relaxed against the leather recliner. 

He heard the snapping of gloves against skin along with the clanging of metal hitting a dish. Jaehyun was nervous again but he expected that.

Yuta’s gloved palm connected with his cheek and his thumb pushed against the barrier of his lips. 

“Open.” He demanded. 

Jaehyun stuck the muscle out, clean and pink and Yuta ran a finger over it, sighing lightly when the digit smoothed over it with ease.

His fingers automatically reached out to cling onto Yuta’s shirt when a piece of mesh material dried both sides of his tongue and when Jaehyun saw the shine of the needle, flexed against him. 

“This might hurt a little.” Yuta’s voice was calm, unbothered, like he’d done this a hundred times. 

Jaehyun gasped when the needle penetrated his flesh, it was intense, a pain he’d never experienced before and in a sick twisted way it made him feel more alive than he’s ever felt.

He felt his stomach quiver as the tears rolled down his cheeks. He shuddered and his eyelids fluttered shut as Yuta twisted on the balls to keep the jewellery in place and Jaehyun remained still on the chair, soaking in the high he was feeling.

Yuta helped him up and flattened down the stray hairs that spiked from Jaehyun’s head. 

“What do you want in life?” Yuta asked, tightening his grip on Jaehyun’s hair. He pulled harsh enough that Jaehyun’s head tips back, exposing his unblemished neck under the flickering light. 

Yuta’s lips pressed against the skin, but he doesn’t kiss him, just inhales Jaehyun’s sweet scent gently.

“Pleasure.” Is Jaehyun’s answer when he finally responds. 

Goosebumps develop the longer Yuta holds onto his hair and his dick awakens in his jeans. A part of him hopes Yuta doesn’t see.

Yuta groans against his adam’s apple and his lips brush up to Jaehyun’s ear, where he places a chaste kiss against the lobe. 

“When I first saw you, the sadist in me got aroused.” His index finger makes its way up Jaehyun’s inner thigh and it does nothing to help his boner situation.

“I want to control you, and I want you to let me.”

Jaehyun’s whole body was thrumming. He wants Yuta to mark him, to hold him down and punish him when he steps out of line. This is the feeling that Jaehyun couldn’t put into words when they first met; an indescribable urge to be dominated by this man he was introduced to only twenty-four hours ago.  
He turns his head to face Yuta and their lips are only a hair away. 

“I’d let you.” 

Jaehyun leaned in to fill the space between them, but Yuta was gone, replaced by nothing and Jaehyun blinked looking around the room for him. 

“Don’t drink or smoke for the next two weeks, it can irritate the piercing, and absolutely no oral sex or kissing, it can lead to infection.” 

His face was serious again, cleaning up the used items and sterilising others. 

“We’re finished here.”

Yuta walked out of the room and Jaehyun quickly followed. The pain in his tongue reduced to a dull ache, one that spread all over, but he had felt worse pain in his life. 

He watched Yuta take a seat in his trademark chair and clasped his hands together as he rested over the counter. 

“How much do I owe you?” Jaehyun asked. He was still semi hard in his trousers and it only got more severe when Yuta removed his hoodie and undid the first three buttons of his shirt nonchalantly.

Yuta shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.”  
Jaehyun was confused because why would anyone give a free piercing to someone they’d only just met?

A retaliation crawled up his throat until Yuta stood up and his palm was back on Jaehyun’s cheek once again. 

“You can pay me in different ways. When the urge gets too strong, just come here. I’ll teach you the true meaning of gratification.”

Jaehyun swallowed and placed his hand on top of Yuta’s. This was all a whole new feeling for him, one where he gave himself over to another. He felt hypnotised but couldn’t find a reason to complain.

“Thank you.” Was all his mushed brain allowed him to say before he was out the door and running towards the train station.

He wanted to tell Taeyong everything, but his anxiety told him not to. This was Taeyong’s friend and most trusted place to get his body scarred, what if he got angry at Jaehyun for not rejecting Yuta’s advances? 

But Jaehyun barely did anything for himself; everything he did was because someone else enjoyed it or because it was too much hassle to say no. Yuta’s lust filled irises floated back into Jaehyun’s mind, so sinful and fierce he moaned quietly. 

The attraction was there, and Jaehyun wanted this. The excitement pulsing through his veins was real, he couldn’t deny himself any longer.


	3. Chapter 3

Jaehyun couldn’t sleep that night. Taeyong slept soundly next to him, one leg thrown over his waist while an arm held onto his neck. Jaehyun didn’t mind. Taeyong looked his cutest when he was asleep. 

He had planned to go home after showing his friend his new piercing, but alcohol got involved and a little bit of marijuana that Taeyong swore was the best shit he’d ever smoked in his life and Jaehyun didn’t refuse despite Yuta’s warning.

And here he is, lying awake at one am, thinking about the suspiciously attractive shop keeper. 

Upon his last visit Jaehyun had noticed some colour poking through Yuta’s shirt; he couldn’t make out what it was, but it was large and painted bright. Jaehyun imagined himself slowly removing Yuta’s shirt and inspecting the tattoos that covered his natural tone.  
He imagined his tattoos disappearing under his trousers and his fingers racking through his bleach damaged hair encouragingly. 

Jaehyun bit his lip and held onto Taeyong stronger. This feeling… one that stirred so deep in his being, it was more powerful than he was. 

He reached for his phone and typed out a message to Yuta, a simple “are you open?” and threw his phone down before he could realise what he’d done, but Yuta’s reply was instant and Jaehyun’s heart kick started. 

“Come now.” Was all the message said and like the puppet he was, Jaehyun was already manoeuvring out of Taeyong’s embrace and gently closing the door behind him. 

oOo

Travelling this early in the morning meant that transport was a breeze, there was no one around him and the journey felt quicker. 

The door chimed as Jaehyun pushed it open and Yuta was there to greet him when it slammed shut.

“Taeyong asleep?” Came a gruff voice and Jaehyun nodded, already breathless from seeing Yuta’s hole ridden crop top and loose combat trousers combo. 

“I made sure not to wake him.” 

A green tail peeked from under Yuta’s shirt, the design curled around his navel and finished as a flick against his flat stomach. 

It interested Jaehyun, he’d never seen a tattoo outside of magazines and his fingers itched to trace the intricate design. 

“How many tattoos do you have?” He asked, stepping closer into Yuta’s personal bubble until he could finally touch him. 

“Twenty-nine” The red head answered. 

Jaehyun fingered the hem of Yuta’s shirt and calmly raised the thin material; the tattoo was larger than he had imagined. An emerald green dragon covered his entire torso from collarbone to belly button. 

Jaehyun inhaled and followed the pattern of the design. It was gorgeous. 

“I love this.” He whispered and saw Yuta looking down at him. 

Upon further inspection Jaehyun noticed something strange, the eyes of the dragon were missing, the face was empty, a simple hole coloured in only by Yuta’s natural skin. 

“Where are the eyes?” 

Yuta’s brows furrowed and he took Jaehyun’s hands in his. His teeth nipped at the back of his hand and the subtle pain made Jaehyun’s breath hitch.  
“An eyeless dragon keeps it grounded; if the beast can’t see, it can’t escape.” His lips brush over Jaehyun’s wrist and he presses them against the heated pressure point. 

“It’s an old Japanese myth. I’m worried that if I finish off the design, the dragon will fly away.” 

Jaehyun couldn’t help but laugh, and it gets the attention of the shop keeper. 

He’s pulled into the back of the shop, where he was yesterday afternoon and nothing had changed apart from the position of the chair.

Yuta pushes him to sit and his hands are working fast against his belt buckle and Jaehyun can do nothing but watch his trousers sink to the ground and suddenly, there’s a hand in his scruffy hair and he’s way too close to Yuta’s hot cock. 

His breath comes out laboured as he strains over the thickness of Yuta’s genitals. A rush of arousal crawls up Jaehyun’s spine and he feels exposed over Yuta’s concupiscent gaze. 

Yuta’s thumb is back in his mouth, slipping into the warmth of it and gathering up moisture to run over Jaehyun’s lips and over his chin. 

“My patience comes at a price.” He mumbles and drags Jaehyun’s head closer. “All I can think about is you succumbing to me, allowing me to destroy you; body and soul.”

Jaehyun sticks his tongue out and the metal of his still healing piercing glistens from the wetness, and licks the air between himself and the hardened length.

“You could sense my masochistic aura.”

Yuta rolled his eyes and Jaehyun’s back is flat against the chair and the red head is on top of him. 

Yuta’s digits clenched around his face, squeezing his cheeks together until his features begin to distort. Jaehyun whimpered under him and his hips accidentally bucked against Yuta’s exposed cock, feeling so much and yet not enough. 

“Give me your permission to fuck you.” Jaehyun could barely speak, his desire was clouding his mind.

He tried to sit up, but Yuta pushed him back down. His petite fingers trailed down Jaehyun’s chest to his abdomen until they massaged his cock roughly through his trousers and Jaehyun moaned. 

“I-I already did.” He gasped and Yuta shook his head. 

“Not good enough, I need your consent for now and forever.”  
Jaehyun thanked the gods he was too lazy to change out of his sweatpants before leaving the house because it made it easier for Yuta to dip his hand under the waistband and tunnel his hand around Jaehyun’s already slippery cock. 

Jaehyun squirmed under Yuta’s touch. It was clumsy, uneven and the way he was laying made his back hurt, but it was everything he needed. 

The moans poured from his lips, one after the after as Yuta’s soaked palm worked over him. He could still feel Yuta’s cock nudging against his stomach, making its presence known. 

Jaehyun’s eyes rolled back as he met each of Yuta’s pumps. 

“You’re so wet.” Yuta whispered against his neck and bit down. “You’re practically dripping over my hand.” 

The hand against his cheek was removed as well as the one on his cock and Jaehyun thought he was going to pass out if Yuta didn’t touch him again soon. He looked below, risking a double chin in the process but then he was pulled to the edge of the chair where his trousers and underwear were violently pulled off and his thighs were parted aggressively; Yuta was staring at him with heavy lids while he spat on his fingers and pressed them against Jaehyun’s rim. 

“Permission. Now.” His voice lowered into something dangerous, something that Jaehyun didn’t want to cross, but he nodded and exhaled a breath. 

“Please fuck me.” 

The discomfort in his bottom half spread throughout his body and Jaehyun arched as his body subconsciously tried to scramble away. 

“I don’t do gentle sex; I don’t care about your needs. I want you to do what I say.” 

Tears trickled down his cheeks as a sob ripped from his throat. Every stab of Yuta’s fingers inside him created a new sensation, one that mixed the ache of under preparation with the sweet lull of pleasure. It was opening new doors of hedonism that Jaehyun didn’t know existed. 

Yuta’s fingers ran dry, but he continued to fuck Jaehyun’s ass, picking up speed despite the lack of moisture.

Jaehyun spread his legs wider and begged for more. He needed something big, the thing that hung heavy between Yuta’s legs. He wanted that inside him. 

“You want me to fuck you, right?” Yuta separated his fingers at Jaehyun’s rim, stretching the hole open and disregarding the resistance. 

“You wanted me to fuck you ever since you walked into my store.” More tears spilt from Jaehyun’s eyes. 

Yuta removed his fingers and wiped them on Jaehyun’s shirt and Jaehyun felt the first nudge of Yuta’s cock head pressed against his entrance.

“Beg me.” 

Embarrassingly, Jaehyun didn’t even reconsider before he crooked his tongue up to his top lip and dampened it. 

“I need you, please, I need you to just-“ 

Jaehyun’s mouth formed a perfect circle when the stiff length entered him next to dry. Yuta didn’t give him a moment to adjust before he pulled out and rammed his cock inside him again. 

Jaehyun’s arms raised above his head for support as Yuta fuck him hard. Jaehyun could feel his body getting weaker as the pain coursed through his nimble body. He was close to losing consciousness, his lids fluttered shut, moaning with the last of his strength as he let this stranger use him. 

“So good.” He cooed. 

Yuta jerked him off again and Jaehyun would have fallen off the chair if the other man wasn’t there to catch him.

The tip of his cock sputtered milky ooze, dripping down his length and mingling with his public hair.

Jaehyun felt disgusting, like a cheap plaything, but he’s had this internal itch for a long time and Yuta was the one to finally help him scratch it. 

The warmth in his stomach spread out evenly, until he was vibrating under Yuta’s touch. A build up so earth shattering Jaehyun already knew nothing was going to compare. 

Ecstasy, in its purest form. 

Jaehyun could no longer control what he was saying; he begged Yuta to fuck him harder, faster, to come in him and let him walk home with the wetness still leaking with every step. 

He was past the point of no return. He was seconds away from release, he could taste it. 

But as quick as it came, it disappeared. Jaehyun cracked an eye open and saw Yuta hovering over him cursing as he tugged his prick. 

Juices landed on Jaehyun’s thighs, warm and runny, soiling his pristine skin. Yuta panted above him, cock still held as he shook off the remaining drips and bent down to retrieve his trousers. 

“You can finish yourself off back home.” He voiced. 

He tucked himself back in and pushed his sweaty bangs away from his eyes. 

He left Jaehyun alone in the dimly lit room, still hard and dirtied without even so much of a second glance back and Jaehyun flopped back against the chair trying to calm his beating heart.

oOo

He had to tell Taeyong. 

A familiar female voice from the station tannoy told him his train was due to arrive, but couldn’t be bothered to get up from his seat in the waiting area. 

His ass was sore, and he knew this was only the beginning of it. He would have hell to pay tomorrow. 

His shirt remained unbuttoned, one side hanging off his shoulder and his sweats stained. People were looking at him, Jaehyun was aware, but his mother always told him not to pay attention to the option of strangers. 

He felt like crying, he felt like laughing. He wanted to dance in the streets but also drop to his knees and sob. His emotions were in shambles but he was too tired to try and make sense of them. 

The train arrived and the door opened directly in front of him. Late workers scrambled off with headphones attached to their ears or their phones glued to their hands, uninterested in the beauty of the world in front of them.

A warning that the train was about to depart echoed throughout the station and Jaehyun still wasn’t on the train. 

He sat there, thinking about his life, and the man ten minutes away that he’s allowed into it.


	4. Chapter 4

He didn’t tell Taeyong. He was too much of a coward to face what hid behind his confession. 

Jaehyun was an overthinker; he didn’t choose this, but the devil decided that his life wasn’t complicated enough.

Various scenarios played in Jaehyun’s mind at the thought of telling Taeyong his piercer fucked him into an inch of his life. On one hand he might be proud that he finally let loose and had some fun, but on the other, he might think Jaehyun is purposely complicating things. 

All Jaehyun knew was that he didn’t want to think about it anymore. 

oOo

Working as a waiter wasn’t Jaehyun’s first choice in terms of careers. His parents had spent more money then he’d ever be able to pay back on his university tuitions. He majored in psychology because growing up, he always imagined himself following in his father’s footsteps and becoming a criminal psychologist, working under him as father and son but plans changed, arguments happened and Jaehyun was homeless for a few months. 

But Taeyong housed him, he found a dead-end job, got his own apartment and three years later he was still there.

He had one friend though, a younger guy that worked alongside him called Haechan. Jaehyun enjoyed being around him because he always had the latest gossip about staff members and always carried weed in his black studded backpack for the slower days. 

Haechan was the only reason he hadn’t quit yet. 

And this shift was no different.

Jaehyun was hiding out back, cigarette between his fingers, when he jumped at the sound of a door slamming behind him. 

Haechan grinned and held up a half empty bottle of red wine that he had obviously stolen from some customers table once they had left.

“Since when did you start smoking?” The younger asked, unscrewing the bottle to take a gulp. He passed the bottle to Jaehyun, who took it despite not being a fan of wine. 

“I don’t. I just wanted to do something that wasn’t work. That newbie chef Jungwoo gave me the last of his pack.” 

Jaehyun exhaled smoke towards the sky and saw a glimmer of dots, it was beautiful. The stars rarely made an appearance in this dead-beat city of his. 

Haechan lit his own cigarette and joined Jaehyun with his back against a wall.

“Did you hear the latest about management?” He asked and Jaehyun shook his head. 

“Apparently Doyoung is going through a divorce, which makes sense considering how moody he’s been lately.”

Jaehyun whistled. He’d never liked his boss Doyoung; he was always so uptight and constantly telling Jaehyun to tuck in his shirt, he simply got on his nerves. 

“That sucks.” He replied and took another drag. 

A comfortable silence fell over them until Jaehyun’s phone vibrated in his pocket and saw he had three missed calls and seven messages from Taeyong.

“Jaehyun! Are you there?”

“Answer my calls!”

“What time do you finish work? Yuta suggested we all go out to eat, he knows a great spot with all you can eat barbecue.”

“Hello?”

“Why do you hate me? I love you so much?”

“Ignore my last message, I hate you, you suck.”

“So… are you comingggg?” 

He quickly typed out a reply and pocketed his phone only to realise Haechan was looking over his shoulder.

“Boyfriend troubles?”

Jaehyun huffed out a laugh. 

“Girlfriend troubles?”

Jaehyun threw the last of his cigarette away and took the bottle from Haechan’s hands.

“No one troubles, my friend just invited me to dinner… you can come if you want.”

Haechan shook his head. “No thanks, I have big plans of getting high and doing absolutely nothing tonight, don’t even think of ruining that for me.” 

The none smoking rule had reminded Jaehyun of his tongue piercing. He’d had it for a few days, and it seemed to be healing fine with the help of Taeyong reminding him every few hours to use mouthwash. He faced Haechan and stuck his tongue out and got a wolf whistle from the man. 

“No fucking way, is this what you did on your day off?”

The younger inspected it, eyes narrowing in on the wet metal with a smile.

“That’s so cool, did it hurt?”

“Like a bitch.”

None of them heard the door open through their laughter but a loud throat clearing made them both jump.

“I didn’t know I was paying you to slack off. And drinking? On shift? I should fire you both right now.” Doyoung stood before them tapping his foot and Jaehyun knew he was mad because of the vein pulsing against his forehead. 

“If you don’t want to be here then hurry up and quit, I’ll replace you in a day.”

The bottle was shoved into Doyoung’s hands followed by a lacklustre apology from them both and Jaehyun fixed his shirt as he walked back out into the dining hall with a sigh. 

oOo

The bar Yuta suggested was interesting to say the least. It wasn’t the type of place Jaehyun would normally go to himself, but it was new. He didn’t want to judge it based on the sign that only had three working letters or the woman puking at the entrance. 

Taeyong hugged him upon arrival and as usual, he was wearing next to nothing. 

Thigh high platform combat boots with a fuzzy V-neck sweater that was blatantly too big for him, which Jaehyun suspected he stole from his latest hook up.

“Looking smart.” He commented and Taeyong flicked back his imaginary hair. 

“Thanks! This jumper is new and no you cannot borrow it.”

Jaehyun rolled his eyes but his attention was drawn away by the shadowy figure following closely behind them.

Yuta trailed behind him and Jaehyun’s breath halted. He was taller than he remembered, and it had only been a few days.   
The white vest he wore fitted Yuta like a second skin, stretched tight over his torso and accompanied by a bomber jacket with the phrase “get with it” sewn by the breast.

His expression didn’t change when he caught up, simply looking at Jaehyun like it was their first time meeting. 

But Jaehyun wasn’t as good at hiding his feelings. A bolt of pain shot up his back as a quick flashback of Yuta drilling into him crossed his mind. He winced, but luckily it wasn’t enough to get the other men’s attention. 

“You remember Yuta, right?” Taeyong asked and dragged the older man closer. 

Jaehyun nodded. “Of course, how can I forget.” 

The barbell on his tongue clashed against his teeth as he wiggled his it in thought. If he was going to get through dinner, he couldn’t allow his brain to betray him like this, it would only make things more problematic.

Taeyong dragged them both inside by the arm, clearly excited for the evening, and just as Jaehyun took a chance and looked up at Yuta, he saw the other staring down at him with his trademark smirk curled onto his lips.

And that’s when Jaehyun knew he was truly in Yuta’s control.

oOo

He was drunk. 

It wasn’t his fault, but it was. He should have said no when Taeyong kept ordering more beer, he should know his limits. But he didn’t, and in the blink of an eye Jaehyun had turned into one of the annoying customers he’d left behind only a couple of hours ago. 

At some point Yuta and Taeyong had removed their shirts and Jaehyun discovered two things: Taeyong was wearing shorts again and Yuta had way more tattoos then he initially told him. 

He was covered with barely any space left to needle in, with all kinds of designs, but in his drunken state Jaehyun soon realised that all of Yuta’s tattoos were based on spirits in Japanese folklore. 

“Yokai.” He mumbled to himself. He was talking aloud but Yuta smiled at him anyway. 

“You could say I had a bit of an interest in them.” 

Jaehyun’s fingers snake over his skin, from the crimson Daruma that snarled back at him to the Suzuhiko Hime that painted his rib cage. Jaehyun thought it was extraordinary.

Yuta captured his hand in his and their eyes met dead on. 

“My favourite one is the Hannya.” Yuta pointed towards the centre of his back, where a giant demonic female face laid. 

“The Hannya symbolises obsession and jealousy. Legend has it that a human woman was betrayed so deeply by her lover that the rage she felt doomed her spirit for all eternity, branding her a demon and never allowing her soul to rest.” 

“Why didn’t she just kill her lover?” Jaehyun asked, words spilling out before he could stop them. 

Yuta’s hand slipped from his and brushed through his hair with a chuckle. “I don’t know, why don’t you ask the Shrine Gods?” 

Jaehyun felt stupid. Of course Yuta wouldn’t know the answer to that question, he was just so engrossed by his body and the art that covered it that he couldn’t think. 

Couples looked over in disgust at Yuta and Taeyong talking about tattoos, scoffing and whispering at Yuta’s littered body. Jaehyun admired how much Yuta didn’t care about anything around him, he was jealous.

The restaurant was spinning and his body felt weak, but Jaehyun wasn’t planning on embarrassing himself and throwing up, they had already drawn enough attention to themselves. 

Taeyong excused himself to use the bathroom and Yuta’s hand curled over Jaehyun’s knee. The touch was so light, not nearly enough to turn him on, but it was because it was Yuta and every time the red heads hand scurried up higher, Jaehyun’s gasps got louder.

“Has your ass recovered?” Jaehyun ducked his head as he nodded. 

The hand pressed against his crotch, applying minimal pressure.

“Stay calm, you’re gonna get us kicked out.” 

Jaehyun knew his expression was lewd, he couldn’t help it, especially now that he was drunk. 

“I’ll do anything you tell me to.” He mumbled. “Anything at all.”

Yuta’s index finger tapped against the semi hard bulge in Jaehyun’s work slacks. The thin material allowed Jaehyun to feel every hit. 

“Good boy, I know you will.” 

Yuta scoped the restaurant, curious to see if anyone had caught them yet before leaning forward and exhaling against Jaehyun’s cheek.

“You make me so hard, Jaehyun. Just looking at you, ready and waiting for my next order, it makes it difficult for me to control myself.” 

Jaehyun exhaled and risked a glance at his lover. His ears were burning, from the alcohol and unexpected arousal, he smiled wide enough that his cheeks dimpled. 

“Who told you to control yourself?” 

Yuta’s eyes widened in shock but was soon replaced by a minacious look and for the first time since they had met, Jaehyun thought that he might be in danger. 

“Do not test me.” Came Yuta’s response, jaw clenched slightly. 

Jaehyun wasn’t given a chance to reply before Taeyong returned from the bathroom, phone in hand and giggling. 

“So, I’m gonna head off.” Jaehyun couldn’t say he was surprised by this; it wasn’t the first time Taeyong had left him for sex. 

Jaehyun gave him the usual “be safe, use protection” speech, and before he could wave goodnight, he was gone, and Jaehyun was left with Yuta and Taeyong’s tab.

“Is your apartment close to here?” Yuta asked. 

It was a question but Jaehyun didn’t feel like it was, it felt more of a demand dressed nicely. 

“Ten-minute walk.” 

Yuta was silent for a second and suddenly he was on his feet and there were a few bills thrown on the table. 

“We’re going.” 

oOo

They say when you’re drunk taking a walk helps clear your mind, but that apparently didn’t apply to Jaehyun. 

He stumbled down the street, arm linked with Yuta’s and laughing at pretty much anything. 

Jaehyun liked being drunk because alcohol helped to numb the pain, he didn’t need to think about his depressed mother or disappointed father, or the fact that his life was going nowhere.

Alcohol helped distract him from the fact that every day he considered committing suicide. All of these things were washed away in an instant.

This city was terrible but Jaehyun had grown to love all of it. 

He let go of Yuta to twirl in the street, unaware of how close a group of men were behind him, but his happy mood was soured when he felt his backside groped.

Jaehyun turned on the spot, hoping it was Yuta being inappropriate again when he was faced with someone he’d never met before.

The man chuckled and spat close to Jaehyun’s feet before checking him out. 

“Where are you going so late at night?” He looked sleazy and unhygienic. He reached out to touch Jaehyun but with the help of an adrenaline burst, he was able to avoid it. 

Jaehyun didn’t reply, simply continued to glare at the men who had begun to surround him.

They looked at him like a piece of meat, a pack of wolves ready to move in on their prey.

“My friends seem to like you, why don’t you come with us for a while?” A hand stroked through his hand and Jaehyun quickly batted it away.

“I’m not interested.” His top lip was trembling and Jaehyun knew everyone could see, he felt pathetic. 

His reply caused a roar of laughter from the group and the man, who Jaehyun assumed was the leader, also laughed but turned aggressive and dragged him forward.

“You think you’re pretty enough to reject us? We’re doing you a favour here.” 

His instincts told him to fight despite having zero upper body strength, but from his peripheral vision, Yuta moved, and a punch knocked the stranger off his feet. 

He thought that would be the end of it, that they were in the clear, that they had enough time to run away, but fear had glued his feet to the ground and there was nothing he could do as he watched Yuta climb on top of the man and continue to hit him.

His fist was bloody along with his shirt. The man was no longer moving underneath Yuta while he delivered a series of attacks. A bone crack woke Jaehyun up and it was only then that he had rushed over to the red head and forced him to stop. 

“What are you doing?!” He shouted. The tears were already pooling in his eyes, disabling his vision temporarily.

The man coughed up blood and some of it splattered onto Yuta’s jacket. He wheezed with the last of his breath and a scream from a young bystander erupted into the night. 

Jaehyun hauled Yuta off the man and down the street, his backpack scraping the floor as they ran without a destination in mind, with Yuta’s hand holding his as he picked up the pace and pulled them both into an alleyway.

Jaehyun balled his fists and hit Yuta anywhere he could reach; his chest, his shoulders, his face. He was angry, he didn’t need to go that far and now he might be complicit in murder.

He sobbed and dropped to his knees, he could feel a panic attack clawing in his chest, he couldn’t breathe, he was scared.

“Jaehyun…” The tears refused to stop. He needed Taeyong, he was the only person who knew how to calm him down when things got bad.

Yuta copied Jaehyun and lowered himself to the ground. He held his palm in Jaehyun’s face, bloody and dirty, and Jaehyun raised his face just enough to see what he was holding. 

A lock of hair pulled from the root spread across Yuta’s hand, he smiled and placed the strands on his lap. 

“I don’t like people touching what’s mine.” 

Jaehyun blinked. Yuta had dried blood smeared on his cheeks, streaks of reddish brown dotted across his face, but the leisurely smirk was still the scariest thing about him. 

“Are you crazy?” 

Yuta shrugged. 

“Who isn’t?”

The sound of sirens blared close to them, they needed to get away from this area, from the crime scene. 

They were up and gone again, moving through the back alleys with ease, blending in with the night. 

oOo

Yuta passed out as soon as they got to Jaehyun’s apartment, comfortably asleep on his bed without a care in the world but Jaehyun hadn’t yet found the same level of peace that he did. 

He sat cross legged in front of the TV, aimlessly flicking through the channels. He landed on a woman’s chat show and unblinkingly watched the panellists shout catchphrases and laugh with teeth that were unnaturally bright. 

He’d found a bottle of vodka under his bed that Taeyong had left after one of their many sleepovers and nursed it between his legs. 

His mind was empty, constant static buzzing behind his eyes. 

The vodka burned whenever Jaehyun took a swig, but he didn’t mind. It welcomed the physical pain more than the mental. 

The lock of hair Yuta had ripped from the strangers head rested on his nightstand, a constant reminder of the events that happened.

Exhaustion was weighing on his body but his mind refused to shut down. The stranger, semi disfigured and begging for his life, haunted his thoughts.

His life was spiralling out of control but he had no intention of stopping it; he asked for change and the gods delivered, Jaehyun had no right to complain. 

Except he never knew it was changing for the worse.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning to all: talks about self harm and suicide in this chapter

Jaehyun hated mirrors.

They showed him who he was really was, displayed all the bumps and imperfections he already knew existed. Every morning he saw the dark circles that housed under his eyes, accompanied by permanent puffiness, followed by the acne scars he never bothered to heal in his teens. His skin was too pale, to the point where he looked deathly. 

This is what Jaehyun saw every day, no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. 

Not only did it show him his physical scars, but the internal ones too. He saw parts of his mother and father and was forced to remember things from his childhood that he would much rather forget. 

If Jaehyun was in charge, he would have mirrors banned, society had surpassed the need for them.

oOo

Jaehyun was getting used to being Yuta’s plaything. Whenever he was needed, Yuta would send him a message and Jaehyun would gather his belongings and make his way over to the store. Yuta never invited him back to his apartment and always rejected Jaehyun’s invite to come back to his. 

Jaehyun didn’t understand but was too afraid to ask. 

And today was no exception.

His throat closed around Yuta’s cock as the red head abused his mouth. Two hands slid into his hair to keep his head still and Jaehyun glanced up with watery eyes, observing every curse and grunt Yuta exhaled. 

He was hard in his own pants, his erection poked against his jeans, asking to join in too but Yuta forbade it. Yuta never let him come in the shop, Jaehyun always had to waddle home and jerk off in the shower afterwards. 

He didn’t mind, but a part him wanted to experience an orgasm by the hand of his lover. 

Yuta’s nails dug into his scalp, keeping Jaehyun close to his body and fucking his throat. 

A thumb wiped away a stray tear that fell down Jaehyun’s cheek and Yuta chuckled as he slowed his movements down. 

“You’re even prettier when you’re in pain.” 

His cock twitched at Yuta’s words and gave Jaehyun a taste of delight, he moaned around Yuta’s cock, unknowingly pushing him towards his climax. 

“Do that again.” 

The heel of Yuta’s boot pressed into Jaehyun’s lap, into his crotch applying pressure and Jaehyun’s body shook as he moaned obscenely. 

Yuta whimpered Jaehyun’s name, a little too high pitched than what Jaehyun was used to and it caught him off guard when the first squirts of bitter liquid shot down his oesophagus. 

The only sounds that could be heard in the room were the sounds of clothes shuffling and belts being buckled. 

Jaehyun remained on the floor and continued to taste Yuta on his tongue. He briefly wondered if their late-night rendezvous would affect the healing process, but he’d broken all the rules so far. 

With unstable legs, Jaehyun stood and took a seat on the edge of the leather chair, his hard on was painful and seeing how gorgeous Yuta looked shirtless and tatted in a pair of tight black jeans didn’t help. 

“Do you think God exists?” Jaehyun asked, stopping Yuta in his tracks.

The question lingered in the air for a few minutes, soaked in tension and then Yuta was in front of him, sitting on a desk chair and his palms were flat on Jaehyun’s thighs.

“I haven’t lived long enough to answer that question.”

Yuta’s earrings jingled every time he moved, like wind chimes. Jaehyun had gotten used to the sound.

He blocked the path Yuta’s hands were taking and directed them to his lap, to the bulge that begged for attention.

“If God exists, then why is everything so shit?” 

Every time Jaehyun saw Yuta’s body he saw something new, but his eyes stopped over his arms, to the raised lines over his wrists hidden under colour. They looked old yet still angry, an unspoken tale of sadness etched with each scar. 

Jaehyun wanted to kiss them but didn’t know if that crossed a boundary between them. Instead, he rolled up his sleeve to his elbow and displayed his own scars, many tiny overlapping streaks with no direction, it’s only use is to cause temporary relief.

“You’ll never kill yourself with work like that.” Yuta commented. 

He wheeled his chair over to his desk and back, and when he returned, Jaehyun saw a thin clean razor snug between his fingers. He angled Jaehyun’s arm towards him and followed the glowing blue stream under his skin.

“You have to cut downwards, no one told me this.” 

Jaehyun could feel a panic attack beginning. His death was always at the back of his mind, how easy it would be to end it all and everyone he knew could finally forget he existed. Death didn’t scare him, the execution did. 

“How do you know I want to die?” Jaehyun asked, trying to swallow down his fear. 

The blade scraped over his arm, following the path of colour to the crook of Jaehyun’s elbow, until it disappeared altogether, and Yuta sat back in his chair twisting the object lazily.

“Because we’re the same. We’re both just wandering the earth looking for an excuse to not die, but our spark is already gone.”

Jaehyun remained silent. He refused to meet Yuta’s gaze in case he read anymore of his past and heard the other sigh and move away from him. 

“When you’re ready to depart from life, come find me. I’ll follow you.” 

oOo

It was late, Jaehyun knew this and yet it didn’t stop him from calling Taeyong. 

It took longer for the call to connect than usual but when it did, Taeyong’s gruff voice rang familiar in his ears. 

“Do you have any fucking idea what time it is asshole?” Jaehyun laughed. He kicked a beer can as he strolled idly down the street, ignoring his friends annoyance.

“I’m on my way to your place, make sure the door is unlocked.”

Several more curses were thrown at Jaehyun before the call disconnected and he was once again left alone with his thoughts. His conversation with Yuta replayed in his mind. The topic of death always interested Jaehyun; he’d come in contact with it too many times thanks to his mother’s determination to travel down the River Styx.

He wondered what waited for him after this life, if Heaven and Hell existed or if his spirit was doomed to limbo. Would he realise who he was after he left his physical being? Such questions kept him awake at night. 

Two girls walked past him laughing, arms linked and heels clacking in synchronisation. Jaehyun envied their happiness, because he didn’t remember the last time he laughed that genuinely.

This life time was rejecting him and he was too tired to fight back.

oOo

Shoes and backpack left at the front door and clothes thrown in the pile somewhere in Taeyong’s room, Jaehyun crawled into his friends bed and pulled him in close. 

He buried his nose into his freshly dyed baby pink hair and inhaled deeply; it smelt fruity, Jaehyun liked it. 

“So, what happened? You miss the last train?” Taeyong mumbled and snuggled closer to Jaehyun.

Jaehyun shook his head, hoping Taeyong could feel his answer. “Do I need a reason to see you now?” 

“When you call me at bullshit o’clock you do.”

The dripping from the bathroom tap was driving Jaehyun crazy but he was too comfortable to move. Taeyong produced heat like a radiator, no matter the weather he was always warm, his very own personal space heater.

“So, who did you fuck to be out this late?” 

Jaehyun raked his fingers through Taeyong’s soft hair. His confession was on the tip of his tongue, so close to spilling. 

“No one, you pervert.” But he didn’t. “I just didn’t feel like being alone anymore.”

Taeyong rolled over to face the wall and Jaehyun suspected he had fallen back asleep.

He wanted to brush his teeth, the taste of Yuta was still on his tongue, he wanted his thoughts to disappear even if it was for a day. They followed him around everywhere and the worst thing Jaehyun could do was be by himself and give his thoughts a platform to speak. 

He curled around Taeyong and rested his forehead against his back, smelling the clean linen scent of his clothes.

When he was with Taeyong, the demons didn’t seem so loud.


End file.
